Who gets to decide?

[debgeisler]

I'm in the fortunate position of having a pretty cool family: my mom and siblings are all nice humans who I like (not to mention love) a lot, and my husband is absolutely amazing.

Everybody in this group knows that (1) I don't want long-term measures taken to keep my vital signs going if I'm no longer conscious....unplug me, dammit, and let the husk go; (2) there isn't any place in particular I want to have the remains interred...let Mike decide where to stick the jar; and (3) don't do the heavy-duty embalming thing or bury me in a $5K casket plush enough that many third world citizens would like to have it as an apartment. Let's be real. A pine box and high heat is just fine.

My family won't be doing a tug-of-war thing with Mike over where it all goes down. If Mike wants to inter my remains in a cemetery or cave or whatever in Massachusetts, that's fine. This is home, after all. (Actually, home is where Mike is.) If someone wants the body for some useful purpose (not including Halloween parties, please), Mike knows that's fine, too. I won't be needing it anymore.

No, I'm not feeling particularly mortal.

I've just read the continuing saga of troubled Anna Nicole Smith's body, and her estranged mother's battle to truck the corpse back to Texas for burial in "the family plot."

And I'm pretty appalled that this woman is insisting that her daughter's wishes shouldn't mean anything here, and that she's dragging this through court while the corpse rots. (And it is literally rotting -- the hearing was, apparently, interrupted by a call from the ME's office saying the body needed to get in the ground by Saturday because of continued deterioration.)

See, if you buy a burial plot near where your home is, this is a pretty good indication that that's where you want to be buried.

Please send this woman packing back to Texas.

Comments

[jcbemis.livejournal.com]

I SO AGREE! The estranged mother should have no say, and this is such a train wreck. The media posturing of the Judge is no help either. I had my son cremated with sea scattering of the ashes; never bought a plot for myself(Don't feel like I need to take land space for eternity), etc.

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

Around 1910, my maternal grandmother's family sold off the family farm to a big cemetery - this is north of my old home town of Dayton - and the family, as part of the sale, got a set of nice plots in the place.

I now own the parcel of six lots - my grandmother and mom are buried there, and unless I get a better offer, that's where I'll be buried. I've made it clear that an elaborate casket and funeral is way unnecessary, and that I have some life insurance specifically set up to cover the costs.

I have also mentioned that I don't want to live as a helpless vegetable, or as a total helpless mess, or to have stupidly heroic measures used. I also don't want to go. Got too much still to do.

I do want one thing - the music at the funeral. Everything sad in the universe - Valse Triste, Adagio for Strigns, you name it. And finish off the recessional with the Liberty Bell March by Sousa. If you hear it, you'd know why. *ding*

My final attempt at a sense of humor.

[debgeisler.livejournal.com]

If you hear it, you'd know why. *ding*

Oh, I hear that. :-) The only reason for a real funeral, as far as I can tell, is to have Also Sprach Zarathustra playing, while my right arm (which has been cleverly wired to an hydraulic motor) rises out of the casket.

It's the one time I know nobody would kill me for being a wise ass. (They might, however, want to bring me back long enough to do the job right a second time.)

[madfilkentist]

I'm just tired of hearing about it all. Anna Nicole Smith means exactly as much to me as any other stranger who died recently.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I'm with you completely--on personal preferences and on thoughts about the ANS situation.

[renegade500.livejournal.com]

I've actually had to deal with these issues recently, because my father died without a will, living will, or paid funeral (and BTW, I was in Miami when Anna Nicole died, so it was even more news than elsewhere in the country).

When I had to take my dad to the hospital, we were asked if he had a living will, which he didn't. Luckily, we all agreed that my dad wanted a DNR directive. However, it would have really made things much easier if he had a living will, because I wanted him to be a donor, and my sister didn't, the only disagreement we had about my dad's health stuff (we had many, many other disagreements about other things that were plenty ugly).

Luckily, my dad had pre-arranged his funeral, but had not managed to pay for it, since he was waiting for a life insurance policy to be cashed out. But he died much sooner than we were expecting. We had to pay for the funeral. He was tight with his cash, and the expenses still came out to $6400 (I put an obituary in the paper, even though he didn't want one) - we were able to get the funeral home to reduce the cost to $5500. Nothing in the funeral business is cheap - not even cremation or the plain pine box. My dad got the cheapest casket his funeral home had, and it was still almost $2000.

And because he hadn't finalized his will, that's a whole other can of worms!

If there's one thing I learned in the last 3 weeks, it is to get a will and living will in order now. If (God forbid!) anything should happen to your husband before you go, then the fighting could commence about what your wishes may or may not have been among the remaining family members.

In ANS's case, if she had been married, this would all be moot - but she also didn't have a living will, hence this ridiculous media circus (and BTW, I totally agree that the mother ought to be sent packing).

Decisions, Decisions

[ladyjestocost.livejournal.com]

As I understsand it, ANS bought a double plot in the Bahamas where she buried her son. CLUE!!
__________

As for the rest of it -

Besides a will, a living will, a legal power of attorney and a health care power of attorney, a set of funeral & burial instructions is very, very useful to the survivors.

It could include stuff like where you want to be buried, do you want to be cremated, what sort of memorial service/funeral, who should officiate, what music you want played, where you'd like obituaries to appear, who needs to be notified (with addresses & phone numbers), etc.

The more decisions made now, the more help it will be for your loved ones (and I'm speaking from experience).

And don't, don't, forget to discuss organ/tissue donation with the person(s) likely to be asked about it. A written letter or set of instructions can be very useful here.

[smofbbs.livejournal.com]

A fitting option for science fiction fans is a memorial spaceflight: http://www.memorialspaceflights.com/

[nwl.livejournal.com]

They didn't need to get ANS in the ground, they needed to have the embalming done if they wanted an open casket. I can't imagine it any other way than open casket.

I see her mom's being there as one more way to get control over ANS. She really hated her mom and I really, really hope her mom does not get control of that child. The child is really the one who needs all the help she can get. From the times I've heard the judge, he keeps saying that about the baby.

Considering HKS is a lawyer, I'm surprised he didn't have all the legal stuff squared away. Since he didn't, I'm inclined to believe that he was not controlling her, as some have said. I also feel he's not sure if he's the father.

One thing I didn't know, coming out of this, was that methadone is being prescribed as a pain killer. Since I've only heard it used as a heroin substitute, I was surprised that doctors were proscribing it in a general way. Dangerous stuff as it doesn't play well with many other drugs and stays in the body longer than a person realizes.

[cogitationitis.livejournal.com]

My dad wanted a plain pine box. Since he was rather waterlogged by the time they fished him out, health laws dictated a more hermetic solution.

After that, I learned not to sweat it too much.

[lauriemann.livejournal.com]

Jim has no will of any kind. I have an informal will. I've really got to fix this. I'd gotten Jim to agree to get a will, but then I got busy with that contract job (which is over Friday) and Jim got really busy with Boskone. So I think that's one think I'll take care of next week once I catch my breath.

I've had a living will since 1978.

I'd rather be cremated and don't particularly care to get embalmed. It seems like such a waste. OTOH, I do kind of like the idea of gravestones. We don't have a plot or anything...wonder if we can afford a cemetary plot in Massachusetts? ;->

I've requested (and really ought to put in writing) that if I die while on vacation, just cremate me there. The idea of shipping a body around after death is too silly for words.